What happens when I get bored at work....

My Near Death Experience

By Miss Amanda Brower

Let me paint you a picture...

I'm driving to campus to pick up Kathryn so we can go grocery shopping at Sprouts

(a healthy food grocery store, can you believe those things even exist?)

I stop at the four-way-stop by the Indoor Sports Practice Facility.

I am in the zone, thinking about life and all of its conundrums, and as I am about to turn right,

all of a sudden something big and bulky (and hunky) catches my eye....

I stare for a few seconds at the thing crossing the street in front of me,

squinting in the sunlight, wanting to make sure...

After a short period of full-out, no-shame, pure, unadulterated staring, I conclude that yes, that big, bulky, hunky thing (let's just call him Mr. Hunk for short) is a football player

(for those of you who don’t know, I have a slight obsession fascination with football players…

don’t worry, it’s healthy).

Well if nothing else was going to go right that day,

at least I got to catch a glimpse of that beautiful work of art.

I let myself indulge in a few more seconds of staring, and then I sigh and start to turn

(by now it's long past my turn to go), when something else catches my eye.

I slam on my brakes and lean forward over the steering wheel,

staring at what I had failed to see in my first observation of Mr. Hunk.

In his hand he is holding a shiny something, with what looks like a giant blue Y on the side....

Could it be? Is it... a.... a helmet...? Do I dare hope?

Then all of a sudden it's like my vision is expanded,

and I can see the whole scene in front of me for the first time.

It's not just Mr. Hunk crossing the street.

Oh no, it's a whole FLOCK of Mr. Hunks crossing the street.

And that flock of Mr. Hunks happens to be the BYU Football Team.

(by this point cars are starting to go around me, but I don’t even care). 

I can't seem to recall what happened in the next 30 seconds

(I think I just sat there with my mouth open and my eyes
bulging out of my head like a bushbaby, similar to the one below)

All I remember is what I felt, and that is sheer bliss, my friends, sheer bliss,

as I stared at those majestic individuals that are God's gift to [wo]man.

And then a thought crossed my mind.... if that is the BYU Football team, then that means that....

Yep.

I looked to my left, and there he was.

Bronco Mendenhall himself, walking right past my car.

The details are a little fuzzy in my mind, but I think this is the point at which I died for a few seconds

(from happiness, of course, so don’t feel sorry for me).

(Side note: By now, there weren't even any cars in sight. They must have sent out one of those alerts over the radio, you know, the ones with the annoying beeping sound and monotone voice that they usually send out for severe weather? "Alert. Alert. Avoid using the intersection located on 1060 north and 150 east at all costs... There is no telling how long traffic will be backed up.... We are working to correct the situation immediately...")

After coming back from my short trip to heaven

(at least that's where I assume I went when I died... I don't really remember the experience that well,

I think I was still high on infatuation and twitterpation....),

I looked around and was shocked to find myself in the middle of the intersection.

Here is how my thought process went:

Irrational Self: Wait, how did I get here?

Rational Self: You must have been so mesmerized by those fakes that you forgot to focus on

holding the brake all the way down.....

Irrational Self: Oh man..... Do you think they noticed?

Rational Self: Ummm....

Irrational Self: (feeling the panic start to rise) Do you think they were creeped out??

Rational Self: If you looked up and saw a girl, looking more and more like a bushbaby by the minute, in her car, slowly but surely heading towards you with a devilish glint in her eyes and drool dripping down her face,

would you be creeped out?

Irrational Self: (long pause) Well….. I’m sure they get that all the time. And this time it’s different, because I actually DO love them, you know? And I actually DO care about them, and it’s not just some silly infatuation, and I’m not just some stupid girl, I mean I really love them, you know? And—

Rational Self: Ya.... Umm.... You should probably move now.

Irrational Self: Oh, right....

As I drove off into the sunset, narrowly missing the pedestrian trying to cross the street in front of the gym (who do you think you are anyways, just because you work out doesn't mean you rule the world!), my head was filled with dreams of Taysom Hill and our happy life together.

Until we meet again, Mr. Hunk, until we meet again.

*this story was based off of real life experiences